Living Aloud Allowed

Remember when I wrote this lovely little ditty amidst a passionate need to make sure the world knew I’m still me?

Welp…I survived birth, but more difficult, I survived Maternity Leave. Kudos to Stay at Home Moms. “Good for you, not for me”…I cannot go 8 hours a day without intelligent adult conversation. I can’t. I know that I could probably take on Stay at Home-ness if I had to, and find play groups that would help this need, but I realized that as much as I adore my kid to bits and pieces, I need more than motherhood to keep myself sane.

There’s some lovely stuff though when you’re on maternity leave that folks asked…

“Aren’t you breastfeeding?” (upon seeing me make a formula bottle)…nope, I’m not, I did for 6 weeks, and then my kid basically screamed bloody murder despite diet changes every time I gave him my milk. He has Zantac and Colic Drops and Formula now, and I assure you his pain is everyone’s (including his own) gain, because he can sleep and get rest and enjoy life.

“How are you ever going to put him into daycare?”…drive him and drop him off. I love my kid, I want to be around him alot, but not 24/7. I want him to learn independence and social skills, the likes of which he won’t get with me being a helicopter parent. I need him to learn to be around other adults as well as kids, and quite frankly, a little “controlled” germ exposure may not hurt either – God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt.

“Are you able to focus on work now that you’re back?” – YOU BETCHA. and guess what, when I go home I’m TONS more excited to see my kid, because the guilt of “I’m on maternity leave and I should be bonding affectionately with my child constantly instead of trying to do chores or get rest” is gone. I go home and it’s like “MOMMA TIME!! LETS DO THIS!” and for whatever reason, my brain is tons more well rested after a day of work – I can focus on fun and silliness much better.

Fact is, I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop the guilt, and it’s been paying off. I’ll be adding going back to the gym, buying myself stuff as my budget permits, and taking some couple and me time. It’s been an adjustment, but my life continues to be my own, even after that precious baby came out.

Yep, lots of stay at home parents where we’re from. Lots of them do all the right things and all the correct methods. But, guess what, so do I. Good for them, not for me. Chant it.

At approximately 2:42 a.m. on November 18, 1999, the 59-foot high stack, consisting of about 5000 logs, collapsed during construction. Of the 58 students and former students working on the stack, 12 were killed and 27 were injured. This ended the tradition known as Bonfire on the Texas A&M Campus, and forever changed the face of the university and those who participated in it.

Wow. Another year. This post has slowly come around not only as a moemnt to reflect on the lives of my classmates lost, but also to take stock about where my life is since this event. As I sit here, I’m reflecting on the massive change my life has taken since this post last year. I know the blog has gone by the wayside – for many reasons. I need to pick it back up…once “life returns to normal”.

My son will mark completing his second month at life next week, and my husband and I just marked our 2nd year of knowing each other. Wow, that all sounds so fast, and yet, it feels like I’ve been snuggled into this spot for so much longer.

I was fearful when I was pregnant that I couldn’t love my son this much. I mean, he was a “thing inside my belly” that I couldn’t see, or talk to. Then I was concerned about “how we would fit him into our life”. Now, I can’t imagine how life was before him. How cliche.

Not every day is a Hallmark card full of sweetness and light. There are crying fits, late nights, frustrations. But then again, I know that every day at 7:30 I have a little man, who’s eyes and mouth like a baby bird are contentedly looking at me ready for his bottle and smells of nothing but baby and snuggles me and makes me feel like the whole darn world.

I look forward to each day, despite being tired, without makeup, too many pounds overweight and craving to fit into regular clothes, mentally searching for what I can show him, and do with him and while the days are going too fast, they aren’t going fast enough for me to show him all the things I need to show him.

Today I wanted to be on the way to College Station, showing him the memorial, showing him where Mommy came from, perhaps we can do this together next week. 

Lately, today in particular, I’m reminded of how short life is. I look at my son and want to give him the entire world. More so, I want to give him what HE wants. I know I have visions for him, I know I can could steer him to my choices of what I’d like him to be. But I want him to have his life.

I have struggled this year, trying to be the me I need to be. Not what others want. I want my son to have a mother who is as strong in her convictions as I want him to be. He has two feet, I need to nuture him to stand on his own – and I cannot do that until I learn how to do it myself.

I implore my readers, and friends, and anyone who will listen, to live big. and I have not done that myself. I have not leapt and been brave – I have generally remained quiet when conflict arises, or even when my own substance just plainly differs from another. I’m not here to make waves and cause fights, but I’m tired remaining quiet when there is room for me to speak up and make a difference in the world.

Sometimes the things we do not say make us more exhausted than the things we do. The build up in our heads of how people may react is overbearing. Getting over the fear and anxiety of “being judged” is my goal this year. I will be me, because I have a little one who I want to be anything he wants to be, it’s time that I embraced the same – for to be alive is a gift, and it could be taken away at any moment.

Here.