“I took the hope out.“
Most of the time I would have stopped dead in my tracks, heart panging with hopelessness. What do you mean you don’t have all the answers!? What do you mean you can’t guarantee that everything is going to be the same and stay the same and never be worse?
All I said was “I hope that everything is going to be ok.” – half muttering to myself and fiddling with my dress hanger. I didn’t even know I was being listened to.
But it could all fall apart tomorrow, and instead, I stopped and heard “It will be okay. I took the hope part out of that.”
That’s why I slept well last night, and breathed in all the breaths a person with no stress has. That’s why I’m giggling and smiling today. That’s why I can still feel my lungs work and my heart not pound through my chest.
Not because you can’t guarantee that everything will be the same, or that transition and stress won’t be encountered, but because everything WILL actually be okay. Life has become so much easier just knowing I’m not alone. Better yet, I’m not alone with someone who maybe-probably is gonna love me forever. sorta. kinda. mayhaps. you know.
For that, I had a defining moment. One that I will own for the rest of my life – that “hope” is no longer a word that I need anymore, which is odd, because several times here I have spoken of hope as the only way to keep one sane. Not that I am without hope, but perhaps, full of faith instead. I have faith in me, in us, in God and in the world – that the peace that I carry within is sustainable without mammoth effort – but with the quiet strength of the woman I am.