You Worry Your Whole Life…

About getting pregnant.

and trust me, I’m sure it would happen if you didn’t use protection when I was in my 20s and my then-husband didn’t have a job and good lord we couldn’t afford a baby.

But now, I’m in month 2 of all this mess, and I’m scared that it’ll never happen. I know. Impatient much? Yes. But then here you are with your ovulation kits and your charting of all the bodily fluids and temps and good lord. In my head, it’ll never happen naturally and now I’m wondering (given the myriad of WebMD articles that I’ve read) if I have the body make up to ever get pregnant at all.

and I’m worried and stressed and he’s pressured and frustrated and this sucks. This most beautiful natural what-we’re-supposed-to-do-as-humans activity sucks. I hate seeing stupid Pinterest boards of pregnant friends, I hate going to baby showers, seeing pregnant women and finally, and I can’t make this sort of neurotic stuff up, crying when you’re at a high school Christmas concert and hear “Round yon virgin, mother and child, Holy infant, tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace”.

I swear this isn’t fun. This isn’t blissful. This sucks. I’m 35. He’s 40. What if we’re too old. What if my body’s signs mean i’m literally quoting here “hostile”. What the heck? Why can’t I just shut up and relax and let him handle it? or better said, Him handle it.

I don’t want to make stupid plans because what if it never happens. So I have these crazy Pinterest photo boards of kid photos that I don’t want to delete if something happens, but worse yet, want to delete to remind me that nothing is happening now. Let alone the crafting ideas that I see and want to do.  How selfish is all of this whining out into the silence?

I’m just saying, Jesus, Lord, Santa and the Tooth Fairy – I want to be a Mom. I have for a little over 15 years now. I’m so tired of waiting. I’m so tired. Please bless us. Just one healthy one would be plenty. It’d be the world.

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2 Responses to You Worry Your Whole Life…

  1. Jamie says:

    Hi Lesley Ann, I stumbled over here by way of your comment on Bev Cooks, and I hope this message finds you happily pregnant but if not… don’t give up hope. I married later than many at 34 (he was 42), and we tried for almost a year of late periods and anovulatory periods and tears every month, and not getting pregnant despite doing it at the right time according to my lovely little ovulation kit pee stick, and it was stressful when it shouldn’t have been and no matter what I tried I couldn’t make myself not care and relax and not stress out but… don’t give up hope. It finally worked and our little guy is awesome. You aren’t too old. He’s not too old. It feels like everyone is blissfully pregnant but you. Don’t give up hope. Try not to worry about being “hostile” until you get tested. Try to feel joy for the other women out there having babies – who knows, maybe they’ve been trying for several years! – because I firmly believe that joy begets joy. None of this is to say a pregnancy is guaranteed, but please, don’t give up hope. I’m applying these words to myself too: we’ve been trying for 2 years now for a second baby, I’m turning 39 in 2 weeks, and everyone is pregnant but me but… I’m not giving up hope.

  2. Oh Jamie. Thank you so much for this. I needed words of hope and encouragement today and I’m so grateful you wrote. Thank you for reaching out. I adore Bev Cooks, and if I’m assuming correctly, those cabbage rolls looked like heaven. Your blog is absolutely precious and thank you for reaching out in this world!

    Happiest of Happy Birthdays, may all the wishes and hope you deserve come your way.

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