Flattening my Own Curve

This week, along with just about everyone else I know far and wide, we’re inside the walls, hopefully “flattening the curve”.

My child is four, and he’s learning more and more about the outside world. He’s also remembering more, but I know that one day, hopefully, this time will be reminisced about sweetly, rather than feeling the lows of panic and pain that we now feel. We will look back with triumph of survival, successes of our sacrifice and the like. But for now,  I’m trying to remember the little things.

My husband being my “office assistant” – dutifully delivering coffee twice each morning and a lunch (low carb even!) to me while I’m toiling away working from home.

The balance we struck as we both work from home now, his teaching hours and sessions and planning and creating media and making sure that all of the activities get completed, while we effectively try to “toss around” our four year old between two kiddie tables with crayons and toys and educational projects and anything we can do to keep him happy, tired, busy, learning and everything in between.

I’m loving the rain on our patio as it beat down over the weekend, and the endless cups of homemade coffee that accompany all that pitter patter.

I love our new obsession with our vegetable garden. What has been a “fun weekend project” over the past few years, that gets forgotten once the rest of Spring Break and school end activities take up our schedule is now a much anticipated walk each day after I close down my laptop.

I am reading. A BOOK. Like with paper pages and everything. I don’t know the last time I made space in my knapsack for a book. Now I have 6 of them on my nightstand that are waiting for me.

I am praying more purposefully. It’s easy to do the Our Father. It comes naturally to say “the right things” and just pray for more faith. But now, I’m praying more pointedly – for people, for relief, for faith.

I’m loving our kid even more. The way he is now very connected to us. Grabbing our hands just to walk down the hallway. Coming into my home office each morning after he wakes up to snuggle. The way we are doing projects together and he’s learning and I’m watching those gears turn or his creativity sizzle. Why wasn’t I on this before? I could easily blame “working mom-ness” but the fact is, I just didn’t take the time.

I need to stop considering what I’ve lost and take back my time, my family, my life. That’s what this season is going to be about – taking back, resetting and not accepting this as a time of loss, but a time of gain.

I just overheard on Grey’s Anatomy – whatever episode I’m listening to as white noise in place of office fodder – “The inability to accept loss is a form of insanity.” I am trying to accept the market losses right now, scared for the economy and jobs. I am trying to accept the changes our life will have and consider these things we are doing without now actually could be done without for the unforeseen future — I’m confirming time and again that “stuff” is highly overrated, and being able to connect with my kid over coloring is way more fulfilling. We’ve given up our summer vacation, but that seems way less daunting than it did a few weeks ago when all this crazy began. I’m loving our house and the safety it provides for us right now, but I’m also falling more in love with the peace and quiet it brings me during this time….only to wonder why I haven’t taken this much solace in our walls before. I’m always “going” in the world – wanting to travel, wanting to show our kid everything…but I’m starting to realize that staying put has tons to give too.

Lately I feel like we’re in that “moving house” mode. That place where you have all the boxes mostly packed up and you can make it through on a mattress, a ladle and pot and two outfits. Where clutter is absent – both physically and mentally – and your goal is to just get to the next pad.

In this case though, I’m decluttering mentally. Asking myself why all the things and instead, focus on simplifying and asking “what do I really need?”. That question is really the journey I’m taking and while I have some quick answers: God, faith, family, roof, food and well, toilet paper….I think the bigger answers are going to shock me.

Let’s connect folks. I miss you.