All day every day I speak numbers. That picture of the numbers up there a la’ The Matrix (which I’ve never seen, sorry, not sorry) that soft rain of data, that falls on me on a daily basis. It is a beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous thing.
As I’m embracing my forties lately, I’m just tired of being quiet about things. I’m tried of conforming to standards of what I “should be” and starting to embrace what I am. It’s not like I have anything to hide, but it’s not like I was comfortable in my own skin either. I still have days where I feel like that – but more often than not lately – I’m starting to become more brave and be okay with not being perfect. I’m perfect in God’s eyes, and basically, that’s all that matters.
I’m divorced. I did not get a perfect score on my SAT. I have a shock of blue hair at the back of my head. I let my kid have Cheetos for dinner every now and again. I have two tattoos, with plans for at least a third. One matches my husbands, and the other one…says – you guessed it – geek. It’s in typewriter font and I love it. For years of high school I didn’t dance like no one was watching, because I felt like…everyone. was. watching. and somewhere two decades later, I’m finally brushing the rest of that dust off my shoulders and feeling like me. I’m probably late to the party on this, given that my social skills have always been 11 on a score of 1 to awkward. But I figured, here I am, locked up in the house, and well, I might as well be me. I guess I’ve always been me, but given entitlement to it. Embrace all of it. Not because it’s cute or popular, but because it’s about damn time.
There are things I want to do in life or that I am doing in life that I feel like people would judge me for. But let’s be honest, in all of this lockdown jazz, everyone is getting testy anyway, and I might as well just get tested and remember that the only person who counts, again, is God. It’s my giant wake up call to stop shuddering and go “What would ________ think?” before I decide that something makes me happier. Instead, it’s time to think God and as long as He and I are good, I’m good too.
So more on what I’m doing and who I am later, but for now. I just thought I’d share that out loud. I’ve had people tell me recently how “authentic” I am, and I felt like a sham. I am an honest person, but I want to be into the things I’m into without feeling like they’ll like me less, shun me, turn me away. I know where those feelings come from for me, they are deep seated and long time coming in me addressing that. My best thought is, just like Red said, “Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin'”….and while the latter isn’t an option, the former is. So here’s to get to living…at home…in the four walls..at least until the virus is gone.
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