Up until now, I’m going to say that most days, I’ve been doing pretty good at this stay-in-the-house-avoid-the-crazy-virus-brewing-outside thing. But everyone has a bad day now and again?
I found out next week my husband has to return to work to close out the school year. Immediately I get scared thinking he’s going to be exposed. Immediately he thinks I’m attacking him. Immediately the house flares up into I don’t know what and how and I’m just tired. and exhausted. We have both been working full time and some days, some days you’ve just had it up to here with how much optimism and effort you can give the world.
Then on top of it, here I am trying to navigate my feelings and learn. But the fact is, I have to be nicer to me. It’s not that I don’t have to be nice to my husband, or anyone I’m giving ill will too – and yesterday, there were a few of these people…but also, I’m human. I’m exhausted. and I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined any romance I even thought about having this weekend for our anniversary, much less won Mother of the Year next weekend being Mother’s Day and all. Right now, I just want to cry. I just want to cry and have no one in particular pick up all the pieces all the pieces and let me feel the full brunt of being locked up for 7 weeks today and scared and overwhelmed. Because most days, I’m doing okay, and right now, I’m just not.
I want to be okay with not being okay. I know God is here with me, and I know that we will weather this time period. But I seem to have a real issue with saying out loud, “I’m not feeling my best today. I cannot give my all.” and feeling like an absolute freak show. If I don’t give 110%, if I cannot smile and break my back in my work and home, I feel unbelievably guilty.
I know God thinks this is a sin to not have faith that it’s all going to be okay. He says,
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”Deuteronomy 31:8
but I also feel he thinks it’s a sin to not give everything in you to your causes.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”Philippians 4:8
Because I’m grateful for my family, my home, my job, the things we have to do to maintain all of these things. But I’m tired right now Lord. and I’m not sure how to do and be grateful and productive when my body wants to shut down and hide in a corner until this all goes away.
So here I am, confused and bouncing between two ends of an emotional see saw and in the end, I am physically exhausted and cannot find the strength to play legos with my kid or make a good dinner or do all these quarantine “things” I’m supposed to be doing while I have this precious time at home without a commute.
Because I had a bad day. and hopefully today will be better. and I’ll figure out how to “be human” instead of feeling like being human is a superhuman effort.
So if you have any ideas out there my internet friends….let me know.
Photo Credit: Farmer’s Almanac