I’m Sorry I Can’t Fix It.

You broke one of your favorite toys. I’m not quite sure the whole story – but it’s an “Energize Dragon” from the Transformer Rescue Bot Bumblebee Dinosaur something. So then I took it and promised I could fix it, but the screws are tiny, I already lost one and the split in the wing has to move and no amount of glue or type that I use will fix it.

This is the first time this has happened where it effected my heart, and I’m sure as we continue this, there will be many more times where disappointment will have to take the place of a better response of “I got you.” because, in this case, it’s just a toy really, but honey, Mom can’t always fix it.

I cannot fix this virus and the fact that I’m working from home full time and now Daddy is back at school. I’m insanely frustrated that the choice was, “Have you at home face down in an iPad playing mind-rotting videos” or “send you to school and possibly catch something.” My heart is breaking today. The house is insanely quiet, it’s just me and the big dog. This is literally the most alone I have been in years – last time, this was at least with two dogs, not one.

And now it’s just still. The type of still that hurts me. I hate that I had to send you to school and put you at risk. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that Daddy had to go back to work. I’m glad you get to see your friends but that I had to teach you “airplane arms” to learn social distancing, because no kid your age should have had to had to learn that. You should be playing and running and hugging and embracing life and instead because we’re all fighting about masks and social distancing and who’s returning to what when and how many and who knows….I’m sorry. I cannot fix it.

I’m so tired. So frustrated. So un-understanding. I do not misunderstand. People want their freedoms heard, their protests considered, they want to be able to do all the things now. I understand. But right now all I want to do is crawl into a hole and forget the world at large being as scary as it is with all of this hate and violence and virus and God-knows-what else and I want to return to when I could take you to the zoo. I am sorry that you broke the dragon, I’m sorry that the world is broke, and more so, I’m sorry that I cannot fix it.